Politics Index

Cracked Elections

October 25th, 2008 admin Posted in conservative |

Just in case you bought the media hype that this is the Worst Election Ever, Cracked Magazine, whose journalistic integrity now apparently exceeds that of our mainstream media, sets you right.

In 1884 the insanely corrupt James G. Blaine ran against the Grover “The Only Thing Anyone Remembers About Me From History Class is that I Served Two Nonconsecutive Terms” Cleveland.

For a while, all that was said of Grover Cleveland was that he was remarkably fat (which was true) until the Buffalo Telegraph published a story detailing Cleveland’s dark history. According to the article, he had an affair with a widow named Maria Halphin, who had borne a child. Suddenly, Cleveland wasn’t fat anymore. He was an adulterous, drunk, bastard-producing bastard with “no business running for president.” (Also, fat.)

The media, ever the short sited and loud mouthed guardian of the political system, took this and ran with it, maintaining that, if elected, Cleveland would bring his “harlots” with him to the White House. Soon, every fatherless child was believed to be Cleveland’s, with mothers everywhere coming out of the woodwork with sob stories. It was getting closer to election time and it looked like Blaine was going to win, even though he was horribly corrupt and inept as a politician, because that was still better than some fat, drunken bastard-machine.

The truth was that Halphin did have a kid. Cleveland didn’t know if it was his or not, but he still paid child support to Halphin regularly, just in case. He never claimed anything to the contrary. But, that story wasn’t as loud and juicy and boob-filled as the story that his opponents were spreading, so it simply didn’t stick.

It almost worked, too. The electoral votes had Cleveland at 183 and Blaine at 182, with New York still left to count. Blaine was the heavy favorite to win New York, while Cleveland was just heavy. And then a miracle intervened.

On Election Day, a remarkably huge rainstorm hit upstate New York, home to tons and tons of Republican voters at the time who, as a result of the pouring, stayed home instead of voting that day. Blaine lost New York and the election.

So, in American Politics, even when one candidate is honest, decent and fit for office, he can’t beat a corrupt, manipulative inept politician for the highest office our country has to offer on his own. He needs a bizarre weather pattern to back him up.

I voted early today, since I will be in Pennsylvania on Election Day.  Turnout was pretty high but somehow I rather doubt this is good for Obama since McCain signs outnumber Obama signs in my neighborhood 20-3.